Mar 3, 2008

Hundred Best Jokes - the new school

Abdurrahman Wahid, previous President of Indonesia, locally known as “Gus Dur,” (Gus meaning roughly Elder Brother, and Dur being short for Abdurrahman) promised all the world leaders he visited during his term as president his collection of the 100 Best Jokes, which has not yet appeared, as far as we can see, which is not very far. This is an interim collection while we wait on Gus Dur.

Hundred Best Jokes – The New School

Tom Lehrer
Hire the handicapped! They’re fun to look at!

At a state banquet with UK cabinet
Mrs Thatcher (approached by waiter): I’ll have the steak.
Waiter: And the vegetables, ma’am?
Mrs. Thatcher: Oh, they’ll have the steak, too.

Convenience graffiti

Jesus saves! But Kegan scores on the rebound!

I like grils Don’t you mean “girls?” Wot about us grils, then?

…and the scholarly kind

Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition
"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00 .”

Into the frying pan

Sausage: Hot in here, innit?
Egg: F***me, a talking sausage!

Health guidance

What’s the only part of the vegetable you don’t eat? The wheelchair.

Doctor to patient: I have some bad news for you, I’m afraid. You have leprosy.
Patient: Oh my god, that’s terrible. Leprosy!
Doctor: Yes, and that’s not all, I’m afraid. You also have Alzheimer’s.
Patient: My god, that’s awful! What did you say the first one was?

A favorite commercial

The old lady approaches the front desk of her local optician on her crutch. The smarmy young suit hurries out to meet her. Once within range the old lady fetches the suit a wicked blow in the goolies with the crutch: “That’s for charging me too much for my glasses,” to the writhing figure on the floor.

Funniest comment on U.K. Royal Family (regrettably personal):

“All that money, and still no good dental work.” Robin Williams

Favorite description of Britain: (Delivered by an American lady sent over to Britain by her company.)

“Golly! Where are all the grown ups?”

(In the ten years since she said that it has become fair to apply the description ad fortiorem to America, as it lurches into the next crisis, the biggest banana republic on earth.)

Ed “Big Daddy” Roth

…and if you’re driving home, remember, keep the rubber side down and the shiny side up.

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