Mar 2, 2008

Hundred Best Jokes - the old school

Abdurrahman Wahid, previous President of Indonesia, locally known as “Gus Dur,” (Gus meaning roughly Elder Brother, and Dur being short for Abdurrahman) promised all the world leaders he visited during his term as president his collection of the 100 Best Jokes, which has not yet appeared, as far as we can see, which is not very far. This is an interim collection while we wait on Gus Dur.

Hundred Best Jokes – The Old School

I come from the city of Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod
Where the Cabots speak only to Lowells
And the Lowells speak only to God. Ogden Nash

Bernard Shaw sent a ticket to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill. Churchill sent back a note saying “Sorry, can’t make it that night, but I’ll come to the second night, if there is one.”
Shaw sent back two tickets for the second night with the note “Do! And bring a friend, if you have one.”

“What would you do,” demanded an enraged Jack Kennedy, president of the United States of America, to Harold Macmillan, Prime Minister of Great Britain, “if journalists called your wife a drunk?”
“I think I’d say to them,” ‘SuperMac,’replied “You should have seen her mother!”

Foreign Office type meeting other FO type at jungle crossroads: "I say, did you hear about Carruthers? Ran off with a gorilla." Other FO type: "Er, female gorilla?" FOT: "Oh yes, nothing queer about Carruthers."

An invading fleet of Martians landed on earth, as it happened in Scotland on the Sabbath Day. Looking around the sunlit country side on a beautiful day, but entirely silent and empty since everyone was in the kirk, of course, the Martian leader noticed a petrol station, with brightly colored pumps.
“Take me to your leader,” said the chief Martian to the central petrol pump, which, being a petrol pump, of course did not reply.
“Take me to your leader,” said the Martian again, somewhat miffed at this cavalier reception of his perfect command of galactic etiquette, “and take your finger out of your ear when I’m talking to you.”

Founder’s joke
‘I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more of it I have.” Thomas Jefferson

No joke
Who serves all best serves himself. Jack London

On the difference between Europeans and Non-Europeans
A Spanish and an Arab diplomat were discussing their respective languages and cultures.
“We have a word in Arabic ‘bukra.’ Literally it means “tomorrow,” and we use it when we wish to say we will do something later on, in the future, at some time or other.”
The Spaniard nodded. “We have a similar word in Spanish,” he said, “’manana’, but it doesn’t have the same sense of urgency.”

Golden Oldies
Badly dressed person to solid citizen: “Spare a dollar for a cup of coffee, sir?”
Solid citizen: Go away. I don’t believe you’ve got a cup of coffee.”

Patron to musician: Excuse me, but do you know your flies are open? Musician: No, what key’s it in?

Popular Favorites
1. “Windy, isn’t it?” “No, it’s Thursday.” “So’m I. Let’s go for a drink!”
2. Chinese whispers: “Send reinforcements. We’re going to advance.”_2_3_4_5_6_7_”Send three and four pence. We’re going to a dance.”
3. Waiter (on a week’s notice) adding up the bill: Did you have the tomato soup or the pea soup, sir?
Irate diner: I don’t know. It tasted like soap.
Waiter: Ah, that’ll be the tomato soup, sir. The pea soup tastes like paraffin.
4. How did the gentleman elephant find the lady elephant in the long elephant grass? Delightful.

Mahatma Ghandi
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they attack you, then you win.

That’s no joke, either
“The three experiences in life, without which no human life is complete, are to be poor, to be in prison, and to be in love,” G.K. Chesterton.

Parents and Children - Still no joke
You are the bow, and your children are the arrows, and he that shoots loves the arrows because they fly, and loves the bow because it is stable. – Kahlil Gibran

Now that’s a joke!
Husband at bridge four: “I say! Do you mind not farting in front of my wife?” “Awfully sorry. Didn’t realize it was her turn.”

The Hodja

One day the Hodja, wandering around the countryside, had the great luck to catch a hare. Hares were extremely, unbelievably, rare in his country. This was the first one he’d ever seen, and the first one he’d ever heard of anyone else seeing, either, and his excitement was immense.

Bigger than a rabbit, he muttered, hurrying home, much bigger, but a sort of rabbit, and has the speed of the wind (it had been an extremely lucky capture.) His mind whirled with interest in the hare he carried in his bag, squirming and kicking occasionally, but firmly held.

“Stick this in the big trunk,” he told his wife, “No, I’ll do it myself,” and he put the bag in the box. “On no account touch it,” he told her, “I’m just off to get some friends to look at it, it’s amazing….” And he rambled off to fetch his mates.

Now the wife was intrigued, which was natural, and she opened the box just a little way, which was foolish, and took out the bag, which was disobedient, and opened it up just a little way to see what this amazing thing was the old bugger was on about, which was disastrous. The hare leapt out and shot through the open door at a rate that left the wife not just breathless, but almost doubting her senses that some sort of animal had indeed been here for her to see some millisecond ago.

The wife decided that just leaving nothing in the bag would be an unnecessarily pessimistic ploy in the never ending brush warfare that goes on between married couples (“Marriage is a battle to the death, which no man of honour should avoid.” G.K. Chesterton) and so she slipped one of those tin quart measures, with a big metal ear, into the bag,, and put it back in the box, and closed the box, and tried to leave everything as she remembered it had been.

The Hodja turned up after a couple of hours with those of his mates he’d managed to detach from the café, and they all gathered round the box. The Hodja opened the box, took out the bag, and shook the measuring jug to the floor. Everyone looked at it in silence for what seemed quite a long time. “There are sixteen of those in a bushel,” said the Hodja at last.

Other classics

“How different, how very different, from the home life of our own dear queen,” Victorian lady theatre goer leaving performance of Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra in classic British cartoon.

The US version?
“Yes, but apart from that, what did you think of the performance, Mrs. Lincoln?” interviewer of President Lincoln’s widow after the president’s assassination at the Ford theatre.

“Is it true that the Irish always answer a question with a question?” “Who told you that?”

A drunk staggers into a catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin’, there's no paper on this side either!"

"One should also not omit to report the Fed, the central bank of the US you might say pedaling madly away on the Karma Exercise Bike like some Inspector Gadget with the Pink Panther in hot pursuit, Pour in money and oil costs more - oil rises in price so print some more money - pour in money oil costs more and so on in the first self occupying hypnotize yourself for better karma er what should we call it? Virtual reality game? "

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 33, a woman is like Canada: Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 33 and 43, a woman is like India: Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 43 and 50, a woman is like France: gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 51 and 59, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 60 and 65, a woman is like Yugoslavia: lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes.
Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Russia: Very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet: A mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
Between 1 and 80, a man is like America: ruled by a dick.

The Story of My Life.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the Time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

No comments: